Thursday, May 21, 2009

Going strong

I am officially 144! So I lost the 6 lbs for Vegas. My goal was 6 pounds from the 150. It feels so good to get over that hump! And it WAS a huge bit of motivation. Now, I am amazed that I am only 5 lbs from being in the 130s. I know that is getting alittle ahead of myself, but I am ok with that. LOL. I have such mixed emotions about this. First the negative... I kind of feel like I am just starting to lose weight.. See, I was 145 AFTER i had Easton. Then gained from there. So really, It is like I have lost nothing since having the baby. It's weird, because all my clothes are now too big, but when I go to buy new clothes, I am having to buy the same size. What??? So apparently I had just been stretching out my clothes as I wore them. So kind of a downer having to still buy a size 12 at Old Navy. But then, I bought a Med dress at New York and Co and it is even a little loose. So who knows... Oh, Oh, Oh... and biggest frustration, I am telling you, I said it before, but it is ALL coming from my boobs!!! I had to go buy a smaller bra, and not smaller inches, just smaller cup. Grrrrrr. That really ticked me off!
But the good is that, I am doing my belt on one smaller hole. And I could even do the next smaller, but then it scrunches my pants too much and looks silly. Also, here is what I keep thinking, I only have a few pounds to get to the 130s... I mean, I did 6 in the last 2 weeks... If I keep that up, I will be in 130s in 2 weeks... THEN once I get to the 130s It is only a few pounds away from 125... And I think that is my goal. I know I wasn't setting goals before. But suddenly it seems tangible! I know that is STILL 19 pounds away, and I haven't even lost that much yet, But I am really feeling like I can do it! And that is such a great feeling!!!
Let me go back to the negative for a minute, and not really negative, just worrisome. Even though I am super excited about the 6 lbs in 2 weeks, and looking back I keeping thinking it was easy... Well, it wasn't I have to make a conscious decision about EVERYTHING I put in my mouth. I can't just stop and get something to eat, I have to go in, ask for the nutritional info, look over it, and think really hard about whether or not it is worth it. I CAN'T eat at night. And it is hard to break that habit. When Rick and I are watching some of our favorite shows, that is our routine.. Grab a bowl of cereal, or a sandwich and watch tv. And like right now, I am really wanting a snack, but I am going to wait until dinner. But it is hard, and it is really hard when I am emotional, and just want to drown my frustrations in some peanuts. So I have to keep my eye on the prize.. Here is what I am thinking, I am going to be hitting this pretty tough all summer. If I lose 2 lbs a week through June and July, I will still have all of August to wear a bathing suit and look pretty good. And I will have lost 16 lbs... Then just a week or 2 into August I can hit that goal of 125! So I have to think, I will be living in 3 months... I can either live at 144lbs, or I can live at 125 lbs. The only difference is an hour and 1/2 a day. I can do that right!!?? RIGHT!!

(Wow.. How cool would that be if I actually got down to 125??!!)

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Why does everything with Makenzie have to be a fight???? I am so worn out by it. And because I am not her "biological" mom I feel like I shouldn't ever gripe about her. But it is wearing me out!!! Even fun things. For instance, yesterday Makenzie was Painting her nails. I said I would do it for her, or it is always fun to do with a friend, but kind of hard to do it yourself. "I do it just fine by MY self" she says to me. ok, fine... about five minutes later she is "crying" in the bathroom. I go in there, and she is "crying", and if you try to talk with her when she is, she just YELLS! "I messed up my nails and now they look all ugly" So I bring her the nail polish remover,tell her to take it off and I will help her. I go in to help her, and she had just used a rag with some water to take it off. So now there was nail polish all over the rag, and she was crying that it wouldn't come off. I asked why she didn't use the remover and a tissue like I had shown her. and she yelled again. "It is just easier this way" SO at this point I am out... Don't yell at me when I am trying to help! I told her we would try again tomorrow night. SO tonight I go in to paint them, and as soon as I leave she is taking it off again with the rag. I ask her why and she says. "It just doesn't look good. It always looks better when Mommy does it" ERRRRGGGGG. SO I just smile and say, " It does look good when your mommy does it, It's time to go now." Then she was all mad that I didn't let her redo her nails!!!! (we had to get to the baseball game) SO something that should have been fun and simple mom-daughter turns into ugly yelling yuckiness. And it is like that all the time. I am just tired of it. Sometimes I would like to have fun with her!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

An unexpected release

Are you ever at church and singing during praise and worship, and singing just an amazing song? Or a song that really speaks to you? For me it is always "I Can Only Imagine." Whenever we sing it, or even if I am singing it in the car, I well up with emotion. It is just a good release. I almost always cry, not really because I am sad, or anything. Just sometimes you need a good emotional release. Well, today I had a strange one... I was working out at the gym, and all of a sudden I was over come with emotion. I was working out really hard, and my legs were burning, and my stomach ached. And all of a sudden I just started crying. Not because I was hurting, I was just filled with ALL kinds of emotions... I was so proud of how hard I was working out, but disappointed that it had taken me so long to get serious. I was happy that the scale was starting to go down, but frustrated by how long I have to go. I was excited about my upcoming trip, but nervous about bathing suit wearing. It was just all going through my head, and I just kind of broke down... But you know what. It felt really good. I don't show much emotion anymore on a regular basis... It is kind of like, I don't have time to be sad, or happy, or whatever.. I just have to take care of the family, and be prepared for whatever... Not to say that I am Not happy... It's just that It's not very often that I get to think about things for ME, including how I feel. Like I've said before, usually around her I just AM. SO it felt good to have a little unexpected release. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person, running on the treadmill with tears streaming down my face, but who cares! : )

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Emotional eating

Now are the times when I really realize how tied my emotions and my eating are. I am not hungry, but all I want to do is sit down with some peanuts! Today was mother's day. And I was a little boohoo for me because Rick is out of town. But I know that is not fair. I still have fantastic babies and am so blessed by them. But here are some of the things that have brought on my desire to just snack today. Every mother's day I get really ticked because Makenzie's mom calls and expects us to let Makenzie spend the whole day with her family. It's like they don't even acknowledge that WE 9 me and my mom) are her family everyday! And it is not fair for them to always expect her for ALL the holidays. They do, because Rick has a hard time telling them no. He feels like it is important for Makenzie to spend time with them too. But it ALWAYS interrupts MY holiday and it makes me mad. Especially mother's day. But today, as always, I let her go over to her nana's and spend the day. It is kind of double sided, because we actually have a little bit more of an enjoyable day here, because Thain and Makenzie aren't fighting all day. (how awful is that to say!? ) So anyway, she spent the day there, and I went and picked her up. So the part of Mother's day I got with her was, grouchy, whiny, and talking back, because we had to come home, eat dinner, shower and go to bed. Where as all day with her mom, is coke drinkin, talkin back, yelling, and gum chewin. so I was emotional about all that, then Easton has not been go down to sleep well. I feel bad, she obviously just wants me to hold her, but I am SO tired by 8pm I just want them all in bed and get a little bit of quiet. And that is SO wrong. What is wrong with holding your baby for an extra 15 minutes at night? So then I feel guilty. Also Thain is being really ugly right now. If he gets told no he hits or kicks the wall, he grinds his teeth, and clenches his fist. I have no idea how to combat this. And it is a struggle every day. Should I be tougher on him, or does he need more closeness and attention? I never know the right answer. SO all these things together tonight just wore me the heck out, and all I wanted to do was grab something to eat. Something mindless, just to shove in my mouth. I can feel it is either cry or eat, and I would rather eat. I am not though, because I like that I have lost 3 lbs this week. I think some of this might have to do with me not working out today because the gym doesn't do child care on Sundays. And I am at the point that my body needs the work out, or I feel like I am failing. I just feel a little yucky. But I am going to push through, and still not eat tonight. I will have my Total in the morning, hit the gym and will feel much better tomorrow!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Finally Back

I finally got back to the gym yesterday. I took ALL the kids. That made me pretty nervous because Makenzie and Thain cannot get along, especially if they are trapped in a room together! But they did ok. I got a good work out, and can feel it today! Did my arms, and some cardio. I have set a goal for myself to lose 6 pounds by Vegas, which is a little less than 3 weeks away. I think that is totally do-able! And last night, even though those cravings started, I did NOT eat my fritos and bean dip (as much as I wanted to!) And I felt good this morning. Even though I could barely get Easton out of her crib this morning because I was so sore!! But I love that soreness... The kind that means you are actually working, and accomplishing something. I hope tomorrow to wake up with super sore legs and butt!! And I know even if I lose 6 lbs before I go to Vegas, that doesn't put me in public wearing bathing suit shape, but I will feel better about it. And I plan on spending LOTS of time by the pool at Madalay Bay!!! I also felt good today as, I have worn my belt on the next smaller loop, and my fat jeans are loose. Alot of this is thanks to a short burst of vomiting about 2 weeks ago. (Thanks, Thain!) But, I am back at the gym, and plan on going 4 days a week, and working hard while I am there! Any of you that know me well, know that I am ALL ABOUT routine for the kids, and going to the gym at 430, really gets us out of routine... It makes dinner alter, and really gets the kids wound up. But I think I need to do this. Even if it means dinner at 645 instead of 6, and rowdy kids! At least I can enjoy my hour and a half of ME time at the gym.. OH.... And I even took a shower at the gym... I cannot tell you when the last time was that I took a shower and didn't have a kid knocking on the door, or pulling the shower curtain back!!! That was a treat in its self! LOL I am feeling good this week. I hope I keep feeling this good. I think now that Our trip is getting closer I am really motivated. I know there will be tons of pictures, and I don't want to have to hide them all because I am embarrassed! I want to buy a sexy dress, and maybe some naughty things for some kid free "adult time" (TMI?? Sorry) But I would love to buy them in a single digit size! So cheer me on as I go to the gym, don't eat any fried food, and don't eat past 830! I am excited and can't wait to post pics from the trip!!!
10 lbs down by the way!!!

Friday, May 1, 2009

I finally signed up all the kids at the gym! So now I can go up there and drop them all in the child care and get my Work out on... Ummmmmm I did this a week and a half ago! Guess how many times I have been since???? NONE! I don't know why in the last month and a half my world has been chaotic! Nothing on my regular schedule. And when I want to go in the evening, I don't want to get the kids home so late. SO I am now patiently awaiting summer. Then I can go to the 7pm aerobics class, and not feel totally guilty about my kids getting to bed at 9. But believe me, that is the ONLY reason I am looking forward to summer! LOL I will get back in the grind. I know it!