Thursday, January 29, 2009

absolutely nothing

How has it been 5 days, and nothing has been going on?? Well, there was the ice day. That was fun! We got the kids all bundled up and took the out "ice skating." The kids had a good time. They each fell a few times, I fell once. I will upload pics later. Let's see, what else... I am still at 155 lbs I have felt thinner this week. lol I am hoping it will go down by the end of this week. I was so irritated this morning at the gym. I am not a fan of the lady in the child care area. It doesn't seem like she actually likes kids. I guess Easton was crying in there. So I only got 10 mins into my work out, and I had to go get her. It was ok, I got to spend an extra hour that I usually don't with her. Then we went to eat with my mom, and I was pretty proud of myself. I ordered enchiladas with rice and beans, and we had queso. I didn't eat the queso!!!! Yippeee for me. I love queso and when it is sitting in front of you it is really hard to resist! And I only ate 1 of my enchiladas and a few bites of beans. Not to bad!! Then for dinner I had yogurt and ummmmm.... just now I had a fat free ice cream sandwich. That's all I got tonight. I am so not in the mood to think right now. This weekend will be full of fun times I am sure, so check back soon!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

diary of a really bad mom

I was a terrible wife and mother today. I did absolutely nothing for my kids. I spent no time with them and barely saw my husband. Not for any reason at all. This morning I had my photography class, that I really enjoyed. Then I came home and did NOTHING. There was laundry to be done, dirty dishes in the sink, my floor to mop. And I did none of it. I should have spent the afternoon doing crafts with the kids, or playing games, or even watching tv with them. Isn't that awful. I kind of just vegged on the couch all day. I think I picked some things up around the house, but that's all. The kids played together pretty well all day. Well, most of the day Makenzie watched tv in our room and Thain played in their living room. Easton and Ava took long naps. So it was just a quiet day. At about 530 Grandma came to take them to a movie. These are the days that make me feel so guilty. I know I don't have to spend ALL day entertaining the kids. But I absolutely should love on them and make them feel important. Tomorrow will be a better day

Friday, January 23, 2009

I am so tired of seeing 155. whatever on the scale. Why isn't it moving. Rhetorical question... I know why it is not moving. I am not doing enough. I am starting to get frustrated. I was so excited about the first few pounds. Now I seem to be at a stand still. On Tuesday, I felt so good. I did my regular kickboxing class, then I met Marcia up there and did the treadmill and the elliptical. It was almost like 2 work outs in one. But, I got nothing from it. I expected to go down a couple of lbs this week, because I have been working out pretty hard, and eating... not great, but alot better. And I am still at 155. I so badly want to get over the 150 hump. I know I will feel great when I see 149.(never thought that would make me happy!) I told a friend I would try not to get upset until mid feb. Then if there are no results I can wollow in my self pitty, so I am sorry for having an early pitty party. I just have to get out my negative feelings, so I can get past them and get my butt in gear.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

a day in the life

Yesterday was such a fun easy day. It started out so laid back. The kids all played in their playroom. Sometimes together, sometimes doing their own thing. I just love when they are in there playing and NOT watching tv. Even Easton has gotten big enough to go in there and play, and I don't worry she will get hurt. Her baby toys are all still in the living room, but she is SO over them. LOLAva chilled out looking at a bookEaston poured out all the tinker toys and played with the container.Thain "shopped" He has an obsession with putting toys into carrying things. Lunchboxes, suitcases, toolboxes, halloween baskets, whatever he can find. Then he will carry the specific toys around all day and just show people what is in his container. FUN!Then after lunch we made masks. Ava LOVES to color with markers. Thain made a rainbow tiger, and so did Ava... Whatever Thain says she says, "Me too!" Tadaaaaa!!!Even Mom made one! That's a pretty good zebra mask!Then came the fun of dress up. They were pirates/wolverine/army people. The funniest thing was that they both needed a telescope. Thain had his long one, thanks to grandma the day before, but Ava didn't have one. Thain came and told me,"Don't worry mom, I found one for Ava too." Very excitedly she held hers up... I thought, a little yucky, he must have gotten one out of the trash...But still.. what a good big brother.
But oh no... He did not get it out of the trash.... He unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper!!! But it was the thought that counts, right! I love these days. Nobody was rushed, nobody was grouchy. It was wonderful. I sure am lucky

Monday, January 19, 2009

weight history

I thought it would be fun to give a picture history of my weight... I never had weight issues growing up. I was a skinny minny since I was little. In high school I was very confident, and really like my body, which I know is different than nearly every other teen alive. But I was good. I remember thinking in high school that my goal was to never, my whole life, be over 100 lbs, except for when I was pregnant, then I could go up to 125. WHAT!??!! I know that sounds anorexic, or whatever, but it wasn't I had a very small frame, and was pretty short. And who knew high kicks could burn so many calories!? SO I will start once I got out of High school. This is me in 2001. It was a few years after high school, but I was still healthy. I was probably just over 100lbs here.
After that, it all went down hill pretty quickly. I am not really sure what happened. It may have been that my husband (now ex) and I were really comfortable with each other. Or maybe it was the dreadded emotional eating. I don't know. I do know, that it starts to become REALLY hard to find pics of me at this point. I didn't take any. I also didn't see any of my friends. I withdrew from everyone. I remember being so lonely and jsut really didn't care about myself.Oh no!!! here is the worst picture EVER! And one of the bad things is that I thought I looked really good. I had gone a bought a new dress, and did my hair and makeup. I knew I had to buy a bigger size than ever in the dress, but I convinced myself that it was the dress, not me. Ummm.... It was SO me!!! That was a very short lived phase. I think as soon as I got these pictures back I got a new gym membership. I became OBSESSED. At this point I didn't have kids, so I could focus on whatever I wanted, and at this time it was the gym, twice a day, 3-4 hours a day(total, not each time) And I didn't eat. I lived pretty much on corn chex, pickles and a scoop of peanut butter. I didn't care how I felt, I just didn't want to be THAT person. I got way too small, I think, and way too fast. I lost all the weight in about 5 months. I was probably 94lbs in the next pic. Fine for an active 17 year old, not for a 23 year old. And sadly, I didn't feel any better about myself.

Then I got myself under control. A healthy, and good lookin' 105. This was right around when I got married. I really felt great, and I started having friends again, and letting people into my life. it is unrealistic, but I would love to be THIS again. But with 4 kids, I don't have to time that it takes. And I am ok with that. Next I got pregnant. My dr was a little worried about my starting weight to carry my pregnancy,and suggested I gain a few pounds.LOL A few??? How about 60!!!! I was a whopping 165lbs when I gave birth. WOW!!!! But hey, I was pregnant. Then came one of the hardest times for me. I had a newborn, and was going through a divorce (yes, short marriage)I had not lost all the weight. I was 135 after I had Thain. But since I had gotten so small before I was so unhappy with that. Looking back, man, I looked good. Was I crazy to think I was fat?? I was a regular ol size 6. I would kill for a size 6 now!!! Ok, I will go through the next few quickly, that was all the meat of my challenge. I was great pregnant with Ava. Lots of morning sickness, and stayed small the whole pregnancy. Only 143 the day I gave birth!
still looking pretty good!Fixing to have Easton. Again, I didn't gain much weight, I was around 154 the day before she was born. Gaining 11 lbs an entire pregnancy was not so bad! And of course I thought ok, baby will be 8, fluid 3, just that brought me back down to my pre baby weight this time... And I knew it would be easy to lose a few more, and i would be looking great in NO TIME! Boy was I wrong! This is me now. And yes, I pulled the least attractive photo I could find. (I have gotten pretty good at posing to hide my yuckies, but not here) It is me in all my grody glory. Weighing MORE than the day I had Easton.
Here are a few of my downfalls. Healthy food is much more expensive. I know that is also a great excuse, but let me put it this way. We have a family of 6, one income... I want to make salmon for the family, But it is $13 where as the homebakes are $3. So what do I pick when I am grocery shopping on a budget?? You got it.. We are so busy, it is just too convenient to eat out instead of coming home. And again.. Mcdonalds is alot cheaper that subway. another excuse I use... It is so hard to find time to work out. I am happy that no matter what, I have my Mon and Thursday work outs. But if Rick is flying nights, or has baseball lessons that is all I get for that week. Last one, I don't have time to sit down and EAT with the kids. I am in the kitchen with them, talking and stuff, but it is more of, Mom, can I have some ketchup, Mom, can I have some more juice, Mom, I need another napkin... you get my drift. So I like to eat once they go to bed. Now, that one I have conquered pretty well. I have not been eating late. But the others I still struggle with. Ok. SO that is all I can do for now. The kids are very irritated that I have been on the computer. (and rightfully so!)

Friday, January 16, 2009


Still 155.8. The weekend will be hard, we tend to be busy, running around and eat out on the weekends. Hopefully I will make good choices.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

What a long day

And it's only 330! Today started off like a normal Thursday. I took Makenzie to school, dropped off Thain and Ava, then went and had a pretty good work out. I tried a different eliptical machine today, and it felt pretty good. Usually after that, me and Easton would go run a few errands, eat lunch, then she lays down for a nap, and I clean house and do laundry. Instead, right after the gym today I had to go pick up makenzie because of their REDICULOUS half day today. It was good, because Makenzie has really been asking to spend some time just with me. But it still stole my day. So I picked her up and I told her she could pick where we went to eat (fingers are crossed for RED ROBIN) No such luck. Chuck E Cheese it is. Ugggggg! But it's ok, they have a pretty good salad bar. SO we were there for 2 hours, and I won 104 tickets, thank you very much! After lunch we went to go get Ava and Thain. And Makenzie has never played in their indoor playground at YCW. So we played there for for another 1 1/2 hours. When everyone started getting grouchy we finally came home. So here we are 330pm, and I am pooped! But good news! Since the kids are pretty worn out too, I can let them watch a show in my bedroom (always a treat) and I can watch my shows from last night... Law and Order, Top Chef, AI, daily show and colbert report... Wow, there was laot on last night! Adios!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

oh man!

Nothing like a good pizza buffet after a mediocre work out! Ugggg. 2 steps back.

Pictures I like

I thought it would be fun to post some pictures that I am allowing myself to be proud of. My photography style is very happy. I wish I could do moody, artsy photos, but I just like them to make me smile. I have really enjoyed taking pictures since I was about 14. And some of these are scanned and pretty old. So the quality isn't so great. But I still like em. I'm very excited to be taking some photography classes over the next couple of months. My long-term goal is to start a small business once Easton starts school. I figure 4 1/2 years gives me some time to get some real education on the subject. The main thing I need to learn is how to work with lighting. I always have cool ideas in my head, and they never quite manifest the way I invision them. But these are a few that I really like.

Good start!

Yesterday I had a pretty good workout. I actually RAN at the gym. Up until this point it was all I could do to walk fast on the treadmill. So I was proud of myself when I was actually able to run, and still breathe! Also, For dinner I ate my new favorite salad (well, not favorite, but good enough because I know it is healthy!) it is just fresh spinich, tomatos, bacon peices, and fat free italian dressing and a few wheat thins. And then I refrained from eating anything else last night. Which was hard because Rick got home so late, and usually we eat whenever he gets home. Anyway... all this to say... 155.8 this morning! Now, how it can fluctuate 2 1/2 pounds in a day, I don't know. But still, I will take it as truth until I weigh myself tomorrow.

Monday, January 12, 2009

158.6! Yuck!!

So this is the begining... I wouldn't call this a new year's resolution. I have been working at it since September. But, I AM FAT. And I would like to not be any more. That's it. That is my goal. No goal weight, just "not fat." And I think it is doable. My reason for putting it out here like this is simple. I need to hold myself accountable. I do NOT work well when I ask other people to hold me accountable. (Do I know that I don't need a peanutbutter and dorito sandwich at 10pm... YES, I don't want my poor husband to have to tell me) SO this way, I can kind of tell myself... and well, you. I think it hurts me trying to hide my weight. It's not like you all can't see it. LOL. So hopefully, by putting it out there, honeslty, I can look at it on a regular basis, and know that other people are seeing it. It will keep me motivated to make that number smaller. It will help me make the better choices. Now, I can't diet. I become a grouchy, mean person when I try. But I can... eat a little less, not eat so late, grab carrots and dip instead of potato chips. Here are the things I have already started, and honestly a little frustrated that there is no change so far. But I gave up coke. So hard for me! I LOVE coke. I will have one every once in a while, usually once a week. I was working out just twice a week. Now it is at least 3. 4 If Rick's schedule allows. And I do not eat out during the week, except for my Wed at Mcdonalds with the kids. So this is where I am starting. 158.6 pounds. It hurts me to realize the day before I gave birth to Easton I was 156. Umm, hello, aren't you supposed to LOSE weight after a baby?!! This blog will not just be about my weight. I will of course talk about my family, my babies, my life... But my plan is to post my weight regularly. And hopefully, really soon be able to see the # go down. I know I can do it. Thanks for reading!