Monday, April 6, 2009

SAHM

So how amazing is it that, not only has the Lord trusted me with these wonderful children, but He has also made it possible for me to stay home to raise them?!! My entire life, my only desire for my future was to be a mommy. In high school, when all my friends were deciding their career paths, I knew I didn't have one. No drive to be a teacher, no hoping I will get a good accounting job. Just give me a couple of kids, and I was going to be happy. When I had Thain, it broke my heart that I had to work. But hey, somebody had to support our family! (no hard feelings ) I remember crying everyday on my way to work. That was one of the hardest things ever!! Then when I got pregnant with Ava I was terrified. How was I going to leave 2 little angels every day?? I never could have imagined I would have the opportunity to stay home with them. I am still in awe of Rick everyday. That he manages to support our, now, family of SIX on his military income. What a blessing he is to our family! Anyway... While I was the working mom I knew, if I ever got to stay home with my kids I would be the best mom ever! I wanted to teach them so much, and give them all the love in the world! I had a plan of Monday... music day, when we play instruments, make instruments, listen to different genres of music, go to concerts, all things musical... Tuesday... art day, going to the museum, making our own art work, looking through art books and talking about the artists... Wednesday... food day, learning to cook, studying what different countries eat and trying that food, going grocery shopping... Thursday... letters and math, and then Friday being our one tv day. But still spent watching it together, watching enriching programs, and NOT cartoon network! WHAT THE H#LL happened to these plans??? Now, some days it is all I can do to not hide in my room while my kids chase each other around the kitchen throwing knives at each other (not a real scenario!! (yet)) Don't get me wrong. I love my kids as much today, as when I first laid those plans. Here is what happens. I have a massive quantity of time with my kids. And I think it makes me appreciate that time a little bit less. I have lots of working mom friends. And the time that they spend with their kids seems to be much better quality. And that makes me sad for my kids. I am not excited every time I go to the park with them. I don't make special plans with them very often. I don't look forward to spending every second of a weekend with them. My friends can't wait to get off work and go have dinner with their kids, and look forward to a slumber party where they can paint their daughter's and her friend's fingernails, they love every minute with their kids. I know, I know.. the grass is always greener, right!? I just don't want my kids to grow up and think "mom never did anything with us" because around here, I just AM... I'm just around all the time, I just tell them to pick up their toys everyday, I just watch tv sometimes while they play by themselves. It's the age old question... which is better, quality or quantity? I don't know. I do know that I CAN do more as a mom, and my kids deserve for me to do more. But man, being a good mom is tiring! and hard! I hope that i get better at it, because right now I feel pretty crappy. But the good thing, again, my kids are healthy, fed, loved, and safe. SO I guess I'm not doing too bad.


So, I went back and read that, and it jsut kind of ends weird, right... Like, I suck, suck, then all of a sudden.. Hey I'm not so bad, and it was a very uncomfortable and quick transition. There were lots of other thoughts going on in my head, but "Colbert Report" was starting and I wanted to watch it. So I jumped ahead in my brain and finished out my bolg... Those are the things that end up making me a crappy mom, sometimes... But oh well, I'm missing my show... gotta go!

4 comments:

  1. We are so hard on ourselves. Would you be that hard on any of your friends? NO! We all do the very best we can. Your kids will know that someday. When you get no break at all how can you spend 24 hours a day engaged with your kids....YOU CAN'T! Some days I don't come home and enjoy every minute of being a working mom. I get frustrated because I have a million things to do and just want to plop in front of the TV and do nothing or fall into bed myself. Give yourself some grace. You love your kids and you are giving them all you can give them....that is enough!

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  2. I liked it!!! It made sense to me! I thought at first that I hate you, but then I totally related:) thanks for writing this!!!

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  3. You are being way to hard on yourself. I just started reading yours and several other blogs that I found on FB. After browsing your blog in addition to the things I see you post on FB, you are a very patient and creative mom. I have no kids yet so I have a more critical than comparative view. I have alot of friends that have 3 and 4 kids and most of their posts or other interactions are about how they are so beat down by their kids, why cant they have time to themselves, etc. I always think, yeah so why so many kids. As I have read your posts, I see a mom who is thrilled to be a mom. You seem to enjoy every minute with them. Kids feel that, they are growing up knowing you choose to be with them. That is awesome! As I mentioned alot of friends having 3 to 4 littles...I was so impressed with your post of 8pm and all are sleeping! WOW. Now that is a good Mom! Oh and I was impressed by that before I read that your husband is in the military and you do alot of this alone - in my eyes, you deserve a medal!

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  4. Wow! Could that make me feel any better??!! Thank you! I know I am a good mom, and I don't mean to be so hard on myself, I just thought I would be SUPERMOM, and I get a little sad when I'm not. But your comment makes me feel good!

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