not good

I am in kind of an ugly place right now. I would not call it "depression." But it is not a good place. You may have noticed, I have not been blogging much about my weight. Mainly because I am embarrassed. I have sunk slowly into the "if no one saw it, it didn't happen" thinking. For instance, I just shoved 2 chocolate chip cookies down my throat while my husband was brushing the kids teeth. Hiding, in the kitchen. And with my husband having lots of baseball lessons at night, I have been eating late. But if he doesn't see, then I can still whine and gripe that I am "working really hard", and still fat. Then of course, I sink further because, not only am I sneaking around eating, but I am also LYING. YUCK! I know it is the devil trying to get me down and not believe in myself, and I hate that I let him have any power over me. But I can just feel it. Way down deep. Makes me not want to go to the gym tomorrow. Makes me want to give up. Makes me want to eat BOTH my enchiladas at Mi Cocina, instead of saving one for lunch tomorrow, because, "What's the point?" Then it all snowballs into other parts of my life. I am SO uncomfortable right now. That is the best way to describe it... Not physically; emotionally and mentally. I am uncomfortable sitting in my house because it is just a mess. I am snapping at my kids, because I am irritable and "uncomfortable" I just want to shake everything off. It's like there is a force of negativity following me and pushing itself up against my body. It is so hard to explain. Just yuckiness, in my head, in my stomach, in my heart, all around me. And most of it has to do with the shame of sneaky eating. How dumb is that??? And my poor husband doesn't know what to do. He just sees that I am grouchy. I hope he doesn't think it is him! I think it has all come about, because I got a little upset that even when I am doing things good, I am still not losing. I need to just enjoy the exercising, and that it makes me FEEL better. I have got to get out of this funk!! UGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!