Sunday, March 1, 2009

not good

I am in kind of an ugly place right now. I would not call it "depression." But it is not a good place. You may have noticed, I have not been blogging much about my weight. Mainly because I am embarrassed. I have sunk slowly into the "if no one saw it, it didn't happen" thinking. For instance, I just shoved 2 chocolate chip cookies down my throat while my husband was brushing the kids teeth. Hiding, in the kitchen. And with my husband having lots of baseball lessons at night, I have been eating late. But if he doesn't see, then I can still whine and gripe that I am "working really hard", and still fat. Then of course, I sink further because, not only am I sneaking around eating, but I am also LYING. YUCK! I know it is the devil trying to get me down and not believe in myself, and I hate that I let him have any power over me. But I can just feel it. Way down deep. Makes me not want to go to the gym tomorrow. Makes me want to give up. Makes me want to eat BOTH my enchiladas at Mi Cocina, instead of saving one for lunch tomorrow, because, "What's the point?" Then it all snowballs into other parts of my life. I am SO uncomfortable right now. That is the best way to describe it... Not physically; emotionally and mentally. I am uncomfortable sitting in my house because it is just a mess. I am snapping at my kids, because I am irritable and "uncomfortable" I just want to shake everything off. It's like there is a force of negativity following me and pushing itself up against my body. It is so hard to explain. Just yuckiness, in my head, in my stomach, in my heart, all around me. And most of it has to do with the shame of sneaky eating. How dumb is that??? And my poor husband doesn't know what to do. He just sees that I am grouchy. I hope he doesn't think it is him! I think it has all come about, because I got a little upset that even when I am doing things good, I am still not losing. I need to just enjoy the exercising, and that it makes me FEEL better. I have got to get out of this funk!! UGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!


  1. Oh, honey how well I can relate to every single thing you say in this post!! Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. I'm planning on going to the gym tomorrow, too and I hope I will be able to have the will to overcome some of the temptations that I know will come my way (I won't say all because I know that will not happen). We can do this, I know it!! Here's to spurring one another on in love!!

  2. Hi guys. :)

    I am right there with you. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I am slipping into depression... I'm not sure. My weight has a lot to do with it, but it's also spiritual. I am questioning my faith more than I probably ever have. I'm talking to my Pastor about it in a little bit.

    Anyways, why I am sharing is because I want you to know you are not the only one. I have tips, but I don't want to clog up your comment section, so I will fb mail you.

    Hang in there, girl. I love you!

  3. Girl
    You so have my compassion and understanding cause HELLO been there still doing that:) Weight has always had me down since I gained an extra high schooler during my pregnancy. Sneak eating was my drug of choice. It seems like when everyone else is away the calories don't count.

    Everything you mentioned about being grouchy to not feeling good to having your house out of order. Girl it is like you stole my blog drafts and made them your own.

    Bravo for being brave and bringin it out.

    It is so hard to be diligent with your regimen. I pray you find the strength to keep on keepin' on.

    oooh girl you have got me on a preachin wagon today. I may just go write a blog:)

    You can do this!!!
    phil 4:13