Giving

I have been strongly convicted recently, that the theme of our family Christmas needs to be "giving." We are incredibly blessed to be a family of six, on a single, stable income. Of course we struggle here and there. But it is never the kind of struggle where we have to ask "should we pay the electric bill, or the insurance this month?" Our struggle is more of us not putting money away for the kids future, and not keeping a 6 month reserve in the savings account. But other than that, we do ok. And our children have SO MUCH! There are some things they do without, but not because we can't afford them, but because we choose not to spend our money on those particular things. I can't even imagine the thought of my children not having enough to eat, or not having warm clothes when it gets cold. We are very blessed. And it is hard for me to imagine that there are families RIGHT HERE that DO worry about those things. And I realize that if it is hard for ME to grasp, my children surely can't understand it. The kids know that we donate alot of stuff to charities, but I don't think they actually know, or understand where that stuff goes, or who gets it. I have thought alot about how to teach my kids about giving this year. I want something a little bit closer to home. Even the angel tree, they just drop the stuff off at the mall, and don't have any idea what happens to it after that. SO this year, I have contacted The kids school and asked if they have any specific families that are in need. Even I was a little surprised when they said they have many! It hurts my heart to think that kids, THEIR FRIENDS, have to go to school hungry, because they can't afford enough food. We will not know the name of the family, and will give anonymously. But I think it is good for the kids to know the things we are giving are going to someone who really needs them, and that they go to their school. Hunger, and poverty are not far away. I tend to think everyone is like us. They struggle a little, but can always make it work. But that is not the case. There are people, in our own backyards, struggling to feed and clothe their children. And kids who don't get to go home and play on the computer, or eat snacks twice a day, or have a safe car to get to school in. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking they are entitled to their things. I want them to appreciate them. Also, and more importantly I want my children to have a spirit of giving... of KNOWING how lucky they are and wanting to pass blessings on to others, with a joyful heart. This will not only be a good lesson for the kids, but for me as well. Sometimes I get so caught up in what my kids "need" that I forget they have MORE than they will ever NEED. I am praying for my family this year to not worry so much about what we get, or what we want. But to be able to focus more on what others need.

practical motivation

Here is a quick little bit of practical motivation. Today, I added 8 minutes of the stairmaster to my 45 minute cardio routine. What can 8 minutes do??? Well, in 8 minutes I burn about 100 calories. I know that on my body, burning 800 calories equals about -1lb! SOOOO... by adding only 8 minutes to 4 of my work outs a week (and what's 53 minutes compared to 45??) then every month I will lose and extra 2 lbs! So instead of losing 6 lbs this month I will lose 8! And 8 puts me half way to my remaining goal of 15lbs! 8 minutes guys! : )

Motivation

here is my new motivation...

Update

So, here is a quick update on how I have been doing. I seem to get stuck on certain #s right now I am stuck on 141... My goal was to be 139 by the end of June... Then I stretched it to July, and here it is the middle of August and I am still that same weight. I am ok with it, because at least the # isn't going up. And I know it is totally my fault. The last several weeks I haven't been on any type of schedule. I get to the gym when I can, but I haven't gone out of my way to make time.. And that is what you HAVE to do. I have to make myself go, even when I am busy, even when the kids are grouchy. I HAVE to go. I am pretty surprised at alot of the every day changes I have made that I am completely comfortable with now. I don't even miss my coke anymore. We don't buy regular chips.. only baked or cheerios snack mix. We don't eat a restaurants hardly EVER. Even a restaurants "healthy menu" is FAR from low fat. When I do eat fast food, it is almost always Subway or quiznos (no cheese, and fat free dressing) And I always try to eat a banana before lunch.. That sounds silly, but they are surprisingly filling, and I like em. : ) I have gotten back on track this week, gone every day but Wed, and feel great. I think the last couple of those 140lbs will come off soon and get me to the 130s. That always gives me new motivation. SO be expecting a post soon that I am FINALLY in the 130s. : )

short and to the point! : )

SINGLE DIGIT!!!

The 4th

We always have such a blast on the 4th of July! We have started a new tradition of the kids staying at the Hilton Hotel in Southlake with Grandma. We load everything up to watch the fireworks out there. Then spend the whole afternoon playing in the pool. The kids LOVE the pool. And we don't have one near us where they can wear their floaties, and play with all the water toys. It is nice now, because except for Easton, the kids are pretty self-sufficient in the pool. Thain still wears a life jacket, Ava swims really well with her arm floaties, and Makenzie is a great swimmer. Easton's favorite part of swimming was jumping off the side of the pool and walking on the steps. She is surprisingly brave in the water. We were out at the pool for over FOUR hours! And luckily, not a single sunburn! I think this year the kids might have been more excited about the GIANT bathtub in Grandma's hotel room! When we first went to the room, we told them this was where we were going swimming, and they were actually ok with it! LOL

Here they all are, getting ready to go swimming and playing in the tub!

Grandma really enjoys the new tradition she started!

Me and my girls!

My sweet Thain and pretty Easton!

Thain loves his sister! Ava loves him too, but was very sleepy!

So after the pool we walked around the Town center for a little while, then we were off t our fantastic seats to watch the Works. Ava was a little freaked out, but Easton loved them! She sat in Grandma's lap and pointed at each one. I was too busy trying to get the settings on my camera just right to take pics of the fireworks, to pay attention to the kids. LOL But I got a couple of really good shots, and I was really excited about them! After the fireworks we took the kids up to the room, they all took another "bath" in the bathtub. Then we made a nice big bed on the floor for all of them. They passed out right away! Rick and I left with Easton. It was such a fun night. The kids really look forward to it every year!

With only 2

Sometimes (ok, most of the time) I forget how wonderful it is to slow down and enjoy time with my littles. My days are usually spent fluttering around the house, doing dishes, picking up wet bathing suits, griping because someone left a toy in the living room. When we are home I feel like I don't have fun. I am so stressed day to day about keeping up the house, and making meals, and stopping fights. It really doesn't leave me much time to just chill with the kids. So often I go into my room just to hide from the noise, or to eat without the kids taking my food, or to not have a kid tugging on me for 2 minutes. I feel guilty about all of that. But that is life with 4 kids. It's hard, and it's tiring, and it's tedious. Lately I don't even notice the fun stuff. The oppertunities I do have to jump in and have a giggle with the kids, or laugh at one of Ava's knock knock jokes. But they ARE amazing! And tonight I got a little reminder of that. Thain and Ava both fell asleep around 4pm. Usually disaster! When 7pm rolled around I thought I was going to be lucky enough for them to sleep through the whole night, after such a busy day. But no! At 715 they both woke up. OH NO!!!!! I knew that would mean they would be up ALL night! Makenzie spent the night at a friends, and Soon after they woke up, Easton went to bed. Well, let me tell you... That is when the fun started... seriously. I made the two littles dinner. Since it was so late, I just did simple, and easy, sandwiches, banana, wheat thins and a cheese stick. I let them eat in the living room- a big no-no on our house. And we watched SYTYCD. Ava and Thain copied each of the dances as we watched them. (to the best of their ability, LOL) They gave me commentary on the outfits that they were wearing, "Mommy, you need a dress like that sparkly one" and "Why is that girl have holes in her tights?" When we finished "dinner" we all colored. Thain drew a picture of him and Ava together and Ava helped me color a veggie tales picture. Ava was surprised I was such a good "colorer." When we were all done coloring They picked out a movie and we laid in my bed and watched it. It was an old Baby Einstein. Way to young for Thain, but he remembered watching it when he was a baby. He said, "Remember when we used to watch this, just me and you?" He misses one on one time with me, I know.... But we all three laid and watched it. We talked about all the animals, and Thain asked which ones would eat him if they saw him in the wild; and Ava assured Thain she would "save" him if an animal tried to eat him. They are so sweet together! It was all just so relaxed and wonderful. Reminded me that sometimes I do just need to slow down. No matter how much I clean the house, it will still be messy again tomorrow. But my kids need me with them. Paying attention to them, cuddling with them. And I miss doing that. It was a fun evening with those 2. : )

I give up!!! (at least for this month)

Maybe not the whole month. But at least for this week I have officially given up. My goal was 7 lbs this month and as of right now I am down 2. BOOOOO!!! I totally over scheduled the kids this week and it has left me no time for the gym. Everyday we wake up, go to classes at the rec center, come home so Easton can nap, eat dinner and go to VBS. Now, if the child care at the gym was open at 2 instead of 4 I could totally fit in a work out. But when I have to have them dressed, fed and out the door by 530, getting to the gym at 4 doesn't cut it. So while I have not been able to work out, I decided to go completely AWOL. I have been eating crap, drinking coke, and eating late. I am so disappointed in myself. Hopefully next week I will get back on track and at least get 2 more lbs off by the end of the month.

frustrating week.

I think I have had a good week of workouts. I have been everyday since we got back from Vegas except one. I have done 3 kickboxing classes, and stepped it up on my regular cardio. But yet.. I have gained 2 lbs?!! Well, and by gained, it kind of went like this... When we got home from Vegas I had gained 3 (up to 147) then over the next 4 days I lost 3 (back to 144) but now in the last5 days I have gained 2 (up to 146) Now, the good thing is that I am upset at being 146! Remember, just a couple weeks ago I was ecstatic to have reached 148! So that is the plus. And I totally know what it is. The last 3 nights I have eaten after 9pm. I knew I shouldn't but I did. And I am paying for it. Oh, and yesterday I ate Pizza Garden, and that never helps. LOL. So starting again today, no eating late. I feel good going to the gym everyday. I have basically been skipping Sunday because they don't have childcare that day. But I am just frustrated today. I hope that by the end of next week I will be at least back to 144. My goal is still 139 by the 31st!

boobies

Am I willing to keep losing weight, if it means that I will become an A cup?? So here is my plan... To hit my 125 by the end of August, then if I keep it off until Feb I can get fake boobies.... That's a good plan right??!! We'll see....

New Goal

Ok, so here it is... The next goal. I felt really good about losing my anticipated 6 lbs before Vegas. Unfortunately I gained back 3 of them. That's ok though, I knew it would happen. And the Bellagio buffet was well worth it! LOL. But my new goal is 139 by the end of this month. 7 lbs in 31 days... Totally do-able! I can already sense it will be tricky with the fast food. We always run errands around 10am which leaves us out about around lunch time. But I will make a conscious effort to make it home for lunch daily. I will be stocking the fridge with delicious summer fruit like the wonderful 2 containers of watermelon we got yesterday. And turkey and tuna sandwiches instead of peanut butter. I also bought Total raisin bran for those late night snack attacks. I am suffering a little with my work outs. I just need to learn to do some new stuff. I get bored pretty easily, and my arm and leg workouts are getting a bit mundane. But Rick said he would spend a day with me showing me other new things I can do. I am feeling so much better with the elliptical machine and the treadmill... Before I could only do 10 mins on the elliptical. Last night I did 25 mins easily. (except that my left foot goes numb.. poor circulation, I guess) And then I jump on the treadmill for a good 20 mins. About 2/3 of that is running.. I run for 7 mins, walk for 7, then run for the last 6... If I can! But I am feeling good, and the kids are getting better at the gym. But Makenzie and Thain still fight sometimes. EERRGG. But there it is. 139 by June 31st. Got it?! I will post a scale pic as soon as I hit it, and if I can do more than that, then WOOHOO. But If I put too much pressure on myself I will fail. So, Go me! I feel good about this!

Going strong

I am officially 144! So I lost the 6 lbs for Vegas. My goal was 6 pounds from the 150. It feels so good to get over that hump! And it WAS a huge bit of motivation. Now, I am amazed that I am only 5 lbs from being in the 130s. I know that is getting alittle ahead of myself, but I am ok with that. LOL. I have such mixed emotions about this. First the negative... I kind of feel like I am just starting to lose weight.. See, I was 145 AFTER i had Easton. Then gained from there. So really, It is like I have lost nothing since having the baby. It's weird, because all my clothes are now too big, but when I go to buy new clothes, I am having to buy the same size. What??? So apparently I had just been stretching out my clothes as I wore them. So kind of a downer having to still buy a size 12 at Old Navy. But then, I bought a Med dress at New York and Co and it is even a little loose. So who knows... Oh, Oh, Oh... and biggest frustration, I am telling you, I said it before, but it is ALL coming from my boobs!!! I had to go buy a smaller bra, and not smaller inches, just smaller cup. Grrrrrr. That really ticked me off!
But the good is that, I am doing my belt on one smaller hole. And I could even do the next smaller, but then it scrunches my pants too much and looks silly. Also, here is what I keep thinking, I only have a few pounds to get to the 130s... I mean, I did 6 in the last 2 weeks... If I keep that up, I will be in 130s in 2 weeks... THEN once I get to the 130s It is only a few pounds away from 125... And I think that is my goal. I know I wasn't setting goals before. But suddenly it seems tangible! I know that is STILL 19 pounds away, and I haven't even lost that much yet, But I am really feeling like I can do it! And that is such a great feeling!!!
Let me go back to the negative for a minute, and not really negative, just worrisome. Even though I am super excited about the 6 lbs in 2 weeks, and looking back I keeping thinking it was easy... Well, it wasn't I have to make a conscious decision about EVERYTHING I put in my mouth. I can't just stop and get something to eat, I have to go in, ask for the nutritional info, look over it, and think really hard about whether or not it is worth it. I CAN'T eat at night. And it is hard to break that habit. When Rick and I are watching some of our favorite shows, that is our routine.. Grab a bowl of cereal, or a sandwich and watch tv. And like right now, I am really wanting a snack, but I am going to wait until dinner. But it is hard, and it is really hard when I am emotional, and just want to drown my frustrations in some peanuts. So I have to keep my eye on the prize.. Here is what I am thinking, I am going to be hitting this pretty tough all summer. If I lose 2 lbs a week through June and July, I will still have all of August to wear a bathing suit and look pretty good. And I will have lost 16 lbs... Then just a week or 2 into August I can hit that goal of 125! So I have to think, I will be living in 3 months... I can either live at 144lbs, or I can live at 125 lbs. The only difference is an hour and 1/2 a day. I can do that right!!?? RIGHT!!

(Wow.. How cool would that be if I actually got down to 125??!!)

why???

Why does everything with Makenzie have to be a fight???? I am so worn out by it. And because I am not her "biological" mom I feel like I shouldn't ever gripe about her. But it is wearing me out!!! Even fun things. For instance, yesterday Makenzie was Painting her nails. I said I would do it for her, or it is always fun to do with a friend, but kind of hard to do it yourself. "I do it just fine by MY self" she says to me. ok, fine... about five minutes later she is "crying" in the bathroom. I go in there, and she is "crying", and if you try to talk with her when she is, she just YELLS! "I messed up my nails and now they look all ugly" So I bring her the nail polish remover,tell her to take it off and I will help her. I go in to help her, and she had just used a rag with some water to take it off. So now there was nail polish all over the rag, and she was crying that it wouldn't come off. I asked why she didn't use the remover and a tissue like I had shown her. and she yelled again. "It is just easier this way" SO at this point I am out... Don't yell at me when I am trying to help! I told her we would try again tomorrow night. SO tonight I go in to paint them, and as soon as I leave she is taking it off again with the rag. I ask her why and she says. "It just doesn't look good. It always looks better when Mommy does it" ERRRRGGGGG. SO I just smile and say, " It does look good when your mommy does it, It's time to go now." Then she was all mad that I didn't let her redo her nails!!!! (we had to get to the baseball game) SO something that should have been fun and simple mom-daughter turns into ugly yelling yuckiness. And it is like that all the time. I am just tired of it. Sometimes I would like to have fun with her!

An unexpected release

Are you ever at church and singing during praise and worship, and singing just an amazing song? Or a song that really speaks to you? For me it is always "I Can Only Imagine." Whenever we sing it, or even if I am singing it in the car, I well up with emotion. It is just a good release. I almost always cry, not really because I am sad, or anything. Just sometimes you need a good emotional release. Well, today I had a strange one... I was working out at the gym, and all of a sudden I was over come with emotion. I was working out really hard, and my legs were burning, and my stomach ached. And all of a sudden I just started crying. Not because I was hurting, I was just filled with ALL kinds of emotions... I was so proud of how hard I was working out, but disappointed that it had taken me so long to get serious. I was happy that the scale was starting to go down, but frustrated by how long I have to go. I was excited about my upcoming trip, but nervous about bathing suit wearing. It was just all going through my head, and I just kind of broke down... But you know what. It felt really good. I don't show much emotion anymore on a regular basis... It is kind of like, I don't have time to be sad, or happy, or whatever.. I just have to take care of the family, and be prepared for whatever... Not to say that I am Not happy... It's just that It's not very often that I get to think about things for ME, including how I feel. Like I've said before, usually around her I just AM. SO it felt good to have a little unexpected release. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person, running on the treadmill with tears streaming down my face, but who cares! : )

Emotional eating

Now are the times when I really realize how tied my emotions and my eating are. I am not hungry, but all I want to do is sit down with some peanuts! Today was mother's day. And I was a little boohoo for me because Rick is out of town. But I know that is not fair. I still have fantastic babies and am so blessed by them. But here are some of the things that have brought on my desire to just snack today. Every mother's day I get really ticked because Makenzie's mom calls and expects us to let Makenzie spend the whole day with her family. It's like they don't even acknowledge that WE 9 me and my mom) are her family everyday! And it is not fair for them to always expect her for ALL the holidays. They do, because Rick has a hard time telling them no. He feels like it is important for Makenzie to spend time with them too. But it ALWAYS interrupts MY holiday and it makes me mad. Especially mother's day. But today, as always, I let her go over to her nana's and spend the day. It is kind of double sided, because we actually have a little bit more of an enjoyable day here, because Thain and Makenzie aren't fighting all day. (how awful is that to say!? ) So anyway, she spent the day there, and I went and picked her up. So the part of Mother's day I got with her was, grouchy, whiny, and talking back, because we had to come home, eat dinner, shower and go to bed. Where as all day with her mom, is coke drinkin, talkin back, yelling, and gum chewin. so I was emotional about all that, then Easton has not been go down to sleep well. I feel bad, she obviously just wants me to hold her, but I am SO tired by 8pm I just want them all in bed and get a little bit of quiet. And that is SO wrong. What is wrong with holding your baby for an extra 15 minutes at night? So then I feel guilty. Also Thain is being really ugly right now. If he gets told no he hits or kicks the wall, he grinds his teeth, and clenches his fist. I have no idea how to combat this. And it is a struggle every day. Should I be tougher on him, or does he need more closeness and attention? I never know the right answer. SO all these things together tonight just wore me the heck out, and all I wanted to do was grab something to eat. Something mindless, just to shove in my mouth. I can feel it is either cry or eat, and I would rather eat. I am not though, because I like that I have lost 3 lbs this week. I think some of this might have to do with me not working out today because the gym doesn't do child care on Sundays. And I am at the point that my body needs the work out, or I feel like I am failing. I just feel a little yucky. But I am going to push through, and still not eat tonight. I will have my Total in the morning, hit the gym and will feel much better tomorrow!

Finally Back

I finally got back to the gym yesterday. I took ALL the kids. That made me pretty nervous because Makenzie and Thain cannot get along, especially if they are trapped in a room together! But they did ok. I got a good work out, and can feel it today! Did my arms, and some cardio. I have set a goal for myself to lose 6 pounds by Vegas, which is a little less than 3 weeks away. I think that is totally do-able! And last night, even though those cravings started, I did NOT eat my fritos and bean dip (as much as I wanted to!) And I felt good this morning. Even though I could barely get Easton out of her crib this morning because I was so sore!! But I love that soreness... The kind that means you are actually working, and accomplishing something. I hope tomorrow to wake up with super sore legs and butt!! And I know even if I lose 6 lbs before I go to Vegas, that doesn't put me in public wearing bathing suit shape, but I will feel better about it. And I plan on spending LOTS of time by the pool at Madalay Bay!!! I also felt good today as, I have worn my belt on the next smaller loop, and my fat jeans are loose. Alot of this is thanks to a short burst of vomiting about 2 weeks ago. (Thanks, Thain!) But, I am back at the gym, and plan on going 4 days a week, and working hard while I am there! Any of you that know me well, know that I am ALL ABOUT routine for the kids, and going to the gym at 430, really gets us out of routine... It makes dinner alter, and really gets the kids wound up. But I think I need to do this. Even if it means dinner at 645 instead of 6, and rowdy kids! At least I can enjoy my hour and a half of ME time at the gym.. OH.... And I even took a shower at the gym... I cannot tell you when the last time was that I took a shower and didn't have a kid knocking on the door, or pulling the shower curtain back!!! That was a treat in its self! LOL I am feeling good this week. I hope I keep feeling this good. I think now that Our trip is getting closer I am really motivated. I know there will be tons of pictures, and I don't want to have to hide them all because I am embarrassed! I want to buy a sexy dress, and maybe some naughty things for some kid free "adult time" (TMI?? Sorry) But I would love to buy them in a single digit size! So cheer me on as I go to the gym, don't eat any fried food, and don't eat past 830! I am excited and can't wait to post pics from the trip!!!

10 lbs down by the way!!!

I finally signed up all the kids at the gym! So now I can go up there and drop them all in the child care and get my Work out on... Ummmmmm I did this a week and a half ago! Guess how many times I have been since???? NONE! I don't know why in the last month and a half my world has been chaotic! Nothing on my regular schedule. And when I want to go in the evening, I don't want to get the kids home so late. SO I am now patiently awaiting summer. Then I can go to the 7pm aerobics class, and not feel totally guilty about my kids getting to bed at 9. But believe me, that is the ONLY reason I am looking forward to summer! LOL I will get back in the grind. I know it!

poor teachers

I had to make an emergency run to walmart the other night. We had been busy all day, and had no time. We were completely out of milk, bread and fruit. So after we laid the kids down for bed I went to walmart. It was about 10pm by the time I had made my list, gotten dressed and went. This was a Wednesday evening a SCHOOL night! When I walked in I was amazed at how many families were there. I mean, moms, dads and kids. LOTS of them. And it didn't look like they were in a hurry, it didn't look like it was and emergency trip, it didn't look like it was out of the ordinary in any way. As I stood in line, I watched the 3 kids (probably 5,7 and 8) behind me. They were running all around, eating candy, one of them was drinking a 20 oz coke. And my thoughts were not, wow that looks like a fun family... It was, "Wow those poor kids, and their poor teachers who have to deal with them in the morning!" I could not believe so many parents were there and putting there kids in such a position to fail! Especially since, like I said, it didn't look out of the ordinary for them. How are those kids going to focus at school tomorrow. How awful must they feel waking up in the morning. And their poor teacher who has to put up with grump kids, all because of the choices their parents made.
Then the next night, at 9:15 PM one of Makenzie's friends moms called me. She said they had just started her homework and she was crying because she couldn't figure it out. This was Thursday. They got this assignment on MONDAY and it was due Friday morning. A fairly simple math sheet. But at 915pm on a school night, what kid isn't going to be grumpy, and frustrated?? She asked me if I would ask makenzie and she seemed very surprised when I told her Makenzie had been asleep for over an hour! Then she asked me a few more questions, and somehow another one of their assignments came up that they had earlier in the week. The mom asked the girl about it, and she said that she had forgotten to do it. All I could think was that this poor girl was probably getting in alot of trouble at school for not doing her work. But is it really all her fault? As parents shouldn't we at least look at what our kids are supposed to be doing??? And shouldn't we be forcing them to do there work in a timely manner, and not at 915 the night before it is due??? Now I know some of us are born procrastinators (raising my hand!) And in high school, some of us may thrive on that. But in 3rd grade, I don't think it is appropriate to allow your child to start those habits. And I know that there are single parents out there, and working parents that sometimes these things happen to. They once in a while happen around here to. But I have just really been feeling bad for these kids, who don't know any different. This is their life, late nights, missing homework, trouble at school because they are tired. And I feel bad for them. It makes me proud of the way I handle my kids. As much as it ticks Makenzie off, we do homework every day at 4 o'clock. And I look at her assignments for the day. And I put my kids to bed at a reasonable time. And I am so sad for teachers who have to deal with this stuff on a regular basis. That must be so hard, because you have no control over it. And you know, it doesn't make my kids perfect (ask miss d-hall, over here!) But I think it gives them a better chance. And it allows them to take responsibility for their own actions, because they don't have other legitimate things to blame. It just made me sad. : (

Best night in a long time

I had the best night tonight!!! And we didn't do anything BIG, we didn't spend a whole lot of money. We just spent a really fun night together. Of course a little bit of guilt is associated with all of this because Makenzie wasn't there.. But that is for a different post. We started out wanting some place new to eat. And a few people have told me about the Purple cow. So Rick and I took the 3 littles for dinner and a purple milkshake. (i figured why go if you don't get the purple milk shake) Thain sat up at the ice cream bar and spun in the seat with a couple of other kids. Easton was being So charming. She had the whole restaurant smiling at her! Ava didn't feel very good, so she just chilled in Daddy's lap. After we ate we decided to walk around because it was absolutely beautiful tonight!!! The Purple Cow is in a shopping center in Ft worth with a cool old church and Central Market. Outside there was a spring concert going on, and Easton was just dancing like a crazy girl. A couple of people took pictures of her, but we could not walk 3 feet with out someone stopping us to say how cute she was! I think she really liked all the attention. We slowly made our way to Central Market. They always have amazing seasonal produce, and lots of stuff that the kids don't see on our grocery trips to walmart. LOL Every one of the workers there was awesome! We looked at all the fruit and veggies... Like 30 types of tomatoes!!! We talked about the colors, sizes and shapes of them. We looked at star fruit, baby pineapple, purple and yellow cauliflower!!! Then we got to the seafood area. This was the most fun of the whole night! The lady behind the counter pulled out all the fish for the kids to look at up close. A HUGE red snapper with his eyeballs still in, a trout that she made "talk" like a puppet (Ava thought that was the funniest thing ever!) She pulled out live Lobster and crab. THEN.... We got to the octopus and squid section... If you don't know, I have a big crush on chubby eater Andrew Zimmern. I want so badly to be adventurous in my eating. but I am SOOOO NOT!!!! But they had octopus salad and the lady gave us a little cup of it with an entire baby octopus in it!!! And I ATE IT!!!! ok, not the whole octopus, but 2 tentacles! Then we kept the octopus just for fun! LOL (trashed it once we got home and dissected it) But the kids had so much fun! Then as we walked around we talked about where different food comes from, and all the different types of cheese. Ava shared a garlic stuffed olive (YUUUUMMMMM) with me, and Rick found his favorite choco covered coffee beans! We also, just for fun let the kids get the GIANT homemade marshmallows. It was just such a relaxing, wonderful evening. The kids never once asked when we were going to leave. They didn't complain when we looked at all the different types of granola for 10 minutes. It was just nice. It has been a long time since we have actually gotten to go out, without a plan, relax, schedule free and have fun as a family. I loved it!!!

Here is my baby octopus. The kids had so much fun just looking at it!

Easter

This whole weekend was absolutely insane! We did lots of fun things. But doing lots of fun things by myself with 4 kids is exhausting! Friday we colored Easter eggs with my favorite cousin Candis and her crew. I am so excited that our kids have really started to be friends. They ask to see each other, and have a great time together! They all did so good coloring eggs. And we ordered pizza and they all ate outside on the swingset.

This is all the cuties with their eggs, and us mommas. Easter morning we went to church. Again... tough to wrangle 4 kids and get them all looking presentable, AND get a shower myself. But it was done and they looked fabulous, if I do say so myself! Holidays when they get candy in the morning are always tricky. They want to eat all the candy right then! So it was hard pulling the candy away from them to go to church. After church we went to Grandma and Pawpaws for lunch.

One the Saturday before Easter I took the kids to an Easter egg hunt at a nearby church. It was fabulous. They had bounce houses, a petting zoo, and a zillion eggs! And the hunts were spaced far enough apart that I was able to get pics of each one of them getting their eggs. It was so exciting to see Ava. I let her do it all by herself, even though in her age group parents could help. She trotted all around with her basket and ended with a pretty good loot. Easton's age went with the 2 year olds. I just plopped her down by a couple of eggs, she picked them up, licked em, looked at them and threw them down. But she got 2 in her basket and was happy with that.

Makenzie and Thain had fun too. Some of the kids in Makenzie's group were pretty aggressive, but she did good, keeping her cool and just looking elsewhere for eggs. At one point she was going for an egg and started to tumble down a hill! Thain couldn't wait for his hunt to start. he stood right at the boundary line for about 10 minutes, so he could be one of the first out! He really enjoyed it.

We also had one of Thain's baseball games on Sat. I really like the team he is on this year. Some fun kids, and fun moms for me to talk to!

My kids took over... sorry!!!

This blog is yet another thing in my life that I have allowed my kids to take over. This was SUPPOSED to be all about me holding myself accountable through you, but posting all about my fat butt! But NOOOOOO I am posting about my cute kids, and Jesus being in Ava's boobie! This is kind of what happens in my life...I love to shop. ANd sometimes I actually like to shop for MYSELF! What happens is this.... I will go to the mall, all excited to get myself some new pants, or a cute dress... And what happens I am so disgusted by how in look in EVERYTHING, and get so mad at myself for STILL needing the size I needed in September, that, what do I do... Go shop for the kids. I have spent the last 4 years using my kids as a shield. I figure as long as they look terribly cute (which they always do! : )) Then no one will notice that I am less than cute. I hold them up as props when meeting new people because I don't want them to notice me, or see the flab bulging from my muffin top! OOOOOOHHHHHH.. Look at the adorable kids.... pay now attention to the lady behind the curtain!!! And that is what has happened to my blog. I am so tired of writing that I am 152 pounds I could spit! Pa-tewwee! Since I am making no progress and have become embarrassed at my lack of success, I am throwing my kids out there. Hoping everyone will just be thinking, wow, cute kids... Instead of, "Man, Jessica sure is not doing so good with her weight loss!" And that leaves me feeling even worse because again, I am hiding. And that just breeds ugly feelings. Alot of my standstill has just been scheduling... Our schedules have been so out of whack since spring break. It has been dr appt time, and dentist time, and baseball starting. Just tons going on. And for some reason I totally forgot that I could just pay an extra 20 bucks a month and send the kids to the child care. I have been fretting over what I am going to do over the summer when the kids are home, when will I ever work out. Well, I am excited to say, Tomorrow I am signing them ALL up to go to child care. That way, I can drop them off, get 2 hours KID FREE, and they have 2 free hours of playtime! Win win! Why did I not think of this sooner!!!! So in the next couple of weeks, I plan on spending alot of time at the gym! And bloggin more about my weight loss success. I refuse to type the number 152 ANYMORE!!!

OMG! She is so cute!

I realize alot of posts have been about Easton lately but she has had a lot of focus with her first birthday. I took her out for her 1st half of her 1 yr pics yesterday,adn could not believe how cute she was! I say 1st half because I have a hot pink Easton baseball bat that I will be taking her pic with, but didn't want to wear her out. Anyway... I borrowed Addie's pettiskirt, and she has been playing with the pearls constantly lately. And I was quite proud of my mtm bow! (that's made-to-match, to all of you out of the crafty bow loop) I wish I could have gotten a few shots of her being still. I was literally RUNNING to get far enough in front of her so I could stop, turn around, focus and shoot, before she came whizzing past me! I am loving so much about her right now. This is always one of my favorite stages. One of my favorite things she does right now, is if there is music on she will dance.. but if I say "Go girl, shake it girl" she will get so excited, and start swinging her arms back and forth and laughing. I am so going to video tape it tomorrow! She is also testing limits... Like running to the dog's water bowl, just to turn around to make sure I am seeing her do it. Then looking at me as she sticks her hand in it!! Such a turkey!!! She has also started singing with me... I sing Jesus Loves Me to her every night, and now as soon as I start she "sings" too. It melts my heart! But here are a few of the pics from yesterday!

Just some fun pics from Easton's party this weekend. She woke up before her party feeling pretty yucky! But once she got to the park and started playing on the slide she felt much better.

I just love this shot of all of us!

Easton and Ava... Ava did NOT want to take any pictures, so I took what I could get from her.

Easton and Makenzie. Such pretty sisters!

And.... Easton on the slide. What a big girl!

SAHM

So how amazing is it that, not only has the Lord trusted me with these wonderful children, but He has also made it possible for me to stay home to raise them?!! My entire life, my only desire for my future was to be a mommy. In high school, when all my friends were deciding their career paths, I knew I didn't have one. No drive to be a teacher, no hoping I will get a good accounting job. Just give me a couple of kids, and I was going to be happy. When I had Thain, it broke my heart that I had to work. But hey, somebody had to support our family! (no hard feelings ) I remember crying everyday on my way to work. That was one of the hardest things ever!! Then when I got pregnant with Ava I was terrified. How was I going to leave 2 little angels every day?? I never could have imagined I would have the opportunity to stay home with them. I am still in awe of Rick everyday. That he manages to support our, now, family of SIX on his military income. What a blessing he is to our family! Anyway... While I was the working mom I knew, if I ever got to stay home with my kids I would be the best mom ever! I wanted to teach them so much, and give them all the love in the world! I had a plan of Monday... music day, when we play instruments, make instruments, listen to different genres of music, go to concerts, all things musical... Tuesday... art day, going to the museum, making our own art work, looking through art books and talking about the artists... Wednesday... food day, learning to cook, studying what different countries eat and trying that food, going grocery shopping... Thursday... letters and math, and then Friday being our one tv day. But still spent watching it together, watching enriching programs, and NOT cartoon network! WHAT THE H#LL happened to these plans??? Now, some days it is all I can do to not hide in my room while my kids chase each other around the kitchen throwing knives at each other (not a real scenario!! (yet)) Don't get me wrong. I love my kids as much today, as when I first laid those plans. Here is what happens. I have a massive quantity of time with my kids. And I think it makes me appreciate that time a little bit less. I have lots of working mom friends. And the time that they spend with their kids seems to be much better quality. And that makes me sad for my kids. I am not excited every time I go to the park with them. I don't make special plans with them very often. I don't look forward to spending every second of a weekend with them. My friends can't wait to get off work and go have dinner with their kids, and look forward to a slumber party where they can paint their daughter's and her friend's fingernails, they love every minute with their kids. I know, I know.. the grass is always greener, right!? I just don't want my kids to grow up and think "mom never did anything with us" because around here, I just AM... I'm just around all the time, I just tell them to pick up their toys everyday, I just watch tv sometimes while they play by themselves. It's the age old question... which is better, quality or quantity? I don't know. I do know that I CAN do more as a mom, and my kids deserve for me to do more. But man, being a good mom is tiring! and hard! I hope that i get better at it, because right now I feel pretty crappy. But the good thing, again, my kids are healthy, fed, loved, and safe. SO I guess I'm not doing too bad.


So, I went back and read that, and it jsut kind of ends weird, right... Like, I suck, suck, then all of a sudden.. Hey I'm not so bad, and it was a very uncomfortable and quick transition. There were lots of other thoughts going on in my head, but "Colbert Report" was starting and I wanted to watch it. So I jumped ahead in my brain and finished out my bolg... Those are the things that end up making me a crappy mom, sometimes... But oh well, I'm missing my show... gotta go!

Where does the time go??

Where did a WHOLE YEAR go?? Tuesday we celebrated Easton's first Birthday. You know, I can't even remember what it was like having her as a newborn. I remember how easy she was. I kept thinking, ok, when is this going to turn? But it never did. She is still, totally amazing, quiet, sweet, and silly. It is so cool to think of how much she has learned in the past year. She was jsut a big blob of flubber just a few months ago. Now she can walk, laugh, feed herself, do sign language, chase her brother and sisters. She has learned different ways to get what she wants. She has learned how to climb up a slide and slide back down. So many little things! I couldn't tell you 7 things I learned this year!

So for her birthday she had a super busy day! We had Ava gymnastics in the morning. She likes to go to the rec center, becaus eI let her play with the ping pong balls and paddles! So easily amused. Then we went to a craft time at the library. She got to eat some glue, and stick her hand in some paint. Woohoo! When Daddy got home, we went to Pizza Garden for her birthday dinner. ok, more because Mommy wanted pizza. We had gotten her a special cupcake for her to eat when we got home. And boy did she go to town on it!!! I can't wait to see her with her cake on Sunday! here are a few of the pics from her Big day. Could she be any cuter??!!!

I feel like there are a thousand different things going on right now. It really isn't much, but it is enough to keep my mind racing, and to keep me from getting a good night sleep. First is, my sweet baby Easton's birthday. I am trying to get her birthday party all together, and I am usually so good about this! Weeks ahead of time, I usually have all the decorations bought, cake ordered, kids outfits bought (you know they all have to coordinate, so pictures look good ; )) and reservations made. I just today finally bought the decorations, and still am not 100% positive on where the actual party will be. OOPS! But I am sure it will all work itself out. But on top of that is just all the emotions. Knowing that this is my last baby, and that she is already a year old! Each baby I feel like I didn't hold them enough, or read to them enough, or teach them enough. I know it is silly, I still have plenty of time with all of them. But there is something so special about reading to a tiny baby and having them stare at you so intently, like you are the only thing in the room. Now, I try to read her a book and she is tearing out the pages, and bouncing on my lap and pulling at my lip. Each birthday is such a reminder of how quickly it all goes by, and reminds me of all the things I wanted to do with them, but just ran out of time.

Also on my mind, is our FANTASTIC trip to Vegas that is coming up. I can't wait. I am so excited to spend a few kid free days with my husband and super-wonderful friends! I am going to bed at night reciting black jack rules.. Always double-down on 11... Always split 6s... Do NOT hit your 12 if the dealer is holding a 14! LOL I love black jack!!! I am nervous about leaving the kids though. We have never left them for more than a night. And I know how hard it will be for the people watching them. But Rick and I deserve this time together! It will be so much fun!
But along with Vegas, I start thinking about my weight. UGGGGG. I can't wait til this is no longer a topic! I just want to be cute again. And I was thinking it would be a piece of cake to be in shape by Vegas.. But alas, I will still have a giant booty while sun-bathing beside the pool at the Mandalay Bay. Oh, well...

One of the main things on my mind is that Rick will be out of town a few weeks. That is always stressful It is impossible to get things done when it is just me! How do single moms do it?? I can't go to the grocery store, I can't take them out to eat, I can't lock them all out of the house until they fall asleep... LOL When Big scary Daddy isn't around, sometimes so yucky attitudes sneak out of those sweet kids!

But that is most of what is going on with me. It is just enough to keep me from being able to relax. I just need to learn to shake things off! Everything always works out just fine!

Conversations with Ava

Ava was playing outside with all the other kids the other day. She came in with her pants soaked, and she was giggling.
Mom, "Ava, did you pee outside?"

Ava laughing, "I pee outside in my pay-ants" (yes, she is from Texas)

She has done this a few times the past week. I think her brother and sister might have told her it was funny.

Mom, "Ava, Mommy and Daddy do not think it is funny when you pee pee in your pants."

Not kidding, with out flinching she looked right at me, stuck out her tongue and started doing her "silly dance" around the kitchen.

Ava, "Do you think THIS funny?"

I am not sure if she was trying to be a smarty pants, or what. But Rick and I had to cover our faces while we were laughing until we could talk to her seriously about the peeing situation.

I don't think this story comes across as hilarious as it actually was. Maybe if you see us soon we can reenact it for you

Just for fun... This is Ava filthy from her fudge pop. She is a mess lately! I sure love her!

My Jeans

Some of you have noticed that I haven't blogged about weather or not I fit into my jeans last week. My goal was to fit comfortably into my size 10 jeans by last friday. And I had been working pretty hard at it. Well... drum roll please.... I FIT into them!!! For about 5 minutes! LOL Really, I fit into them Friday. Then Saturday we left for Sea World. 12 hours in the car (there and back) and 3 days out of town meant junk food city! I ate as well as I could most of the time. A turkey wrap and fruit instead of fried chicken, a grilled chicken sandwich instead of a burger, tea instead of coke. But still it was hard, when we were grabbing fast food for 3 days straight. So by the time we got home on Monday, I no longer fit "comfortably" into my size 10 jeans. This whole week has been tough. With the kids out of school and us trying to stay busy we grabbed food on the way to the park, we grabbed food after the Arboretum, we grabbed food for dinner because I hadn't had time to go to the grocery store. I feel like a giant blimp. And I was excited to get back to my routine tomorrow, then realized I am not going to. Instead of working out in the morning I am taking pics for someone. Then Tuesday, when I always do my kickboxing, Makenzie has a play. So I will not be working out until Thursday. But then It is back to business! Woohoo!

picture taking is not always photography

I had my first ever total bummer of a "session" last week. I was nervous going in, because I know 3 month olds are hard to photograph. But I was so excited to have a couple of complete cutie twins to practice with. My friend Ginger let me take pictures of her little angels. I was so disappointed in myself. I couldn't think of one creative way to get pictures of them in some other position than laying on the floor. I had a couple of cute ideas in my head, but was completely unsuccessful in accomplishing them. Now Ginger, if you are reading this, don't take this to mean your babies don't take cute pictures. It's just the ones you took yourself are so much better than the ones I was did! And I am the one bragging that I take good pictures! I mean it all from an artistic point of view, not a personal one. But It was a good learning experience. And this is why I keep asking everyone to let me take pictures of their family. Just so I can get this type of experience. And so I can learn what to do if I have a baby that I can't make smile, or a toddler who won't sit still, or a mom who talks every time I hit my shutter button. I have to learn to make it work. And I am just embarrassed that, for Ginger, I didn't make it work. I feel bad, because I was expecting to give her a couple of amazing shots (and I am sure she expected that too) And I got maybe 2 good shots. And at one point I had forgotten that my camera was in manual focus, from shots earlier, so the one shot where one of them is smiling is totally out of focus. Oh, man! And my flash wasn't set low enough, so it blasted out their little faces. It helped me realize there is still SO MUCH that I need to learn. So all this to say... Sorry Ginger! I hope you will still let me practice on them sometimes. It was a good experience for me. And they are SO SWEET!

Handsome Kyle

Beautiful Cameron

Conversations with Ava

Tonight, after getting out of the bath, Ava was walking around the bathroom. The floor was soaked from all the tub fun, and we had the following conversation...

Mommy, "Ava, what are you doing?"

Ava, "I walk on waddah."

Mommy, "oh yeah, do you know who else walked on water?"

Ava, " Jehut walk on waddah"

Mommy, "That's right, beautiful, Jesus walked on water."

Ava, "Jehut in my haat!"

Mommy, "Yes, Jesus is in your heart!"

Ava, "Mommy, where my haat?"

"Your heart is right here." I said pointing to her chest.

Ava, laughing.... "Jehut in my boobie Mommy!!!"

She is so silly!

Getting there

I am so freakin' hungry! Waaaaahhhh!!!! But I am sucking it up because I am determined to fit into one size smaller by the end of this week. I am actually watching what I am eating this week, which I usually don't do. I think I am doing pretty good. And I have had 2 great work outs this week, and have worked the heck out of my abs. Ouch! (but good ouch!) Now the smaller size is an embarrassing size 10. but still smaller than what I have been in. And if I can get into a 10 then I can fit into most of my shorts. I have slowly been moving down on the scale the past few days.. very slowly.. 154.. 153.8... 153.2.. 152.2... That 149 is so close I can taste it.. and I am so hungry right now, I just might eat it! LOL. but I do feel good because my tight jeans fit a little looser this week. Yiipeeee! I will be so excited to be a size down! because then the next size is a single digit. Wow!! So close!!! I think some good motivation is that I booked my trip to Vegas this week. And we are staying a Mandalay Bay. The big deal about that hotel is the POOL. And I don't want to be totally self-conscious hangin at the pool. I will let you know if those jeans fit at the end of the week!

Happy Birthday Rick

This is the super sweet card Makenzie made for Daddy for his birthday.

One down...

So I finally got to one of my spring cleaning projects. I did not quite follow my plan. But whatever! One down, a kazillion more to go!

Ahhhhhh!!! Clean craft cabinet

But how fun is my Laundry room when it is all clean! It makes me happy! I painted it this fun color, because Rick wouldn't let me use it anywhere elsePlease notice how clean the top of the fridge is!

Fantastic!

Let me tell you something...I am FABULOUS! No, nothing happened that has prompted me to make this point. I just think you all need to know. I am hard on myself alot, but when you get down to it, I am pretty awesome! I am not even close to perfect. But here ya go... I am raising 4 children, and am doing a pretty dang good job with it! My kids are USUALLY respectful. They eat their vegetables. They Love the Lord. They share their toys with their friends (at least Ava does. LOL) They know that they are loved and know that they are safe. And let's be honest, they are VERY CUTE!
Also, I AM FUN DAMN IT!!! I don't get to be as fun as I want to be, because, as I stated before, I am raising 4 children. And all that feeding, disciplining, boundary setting, prayer saying, and teaching doesn't always leave much room for fun having! But Dadgumit, put me with some friends and I am fun! I like to laugh until I cry. I am silly, sarcastic, and I think, pretty witty. (haha pretty witty sounds funny) Of course if you ask me, "Jessica, what is the funnest thing you have done in the last month?" My answer would be, "clip my toenails." But regardless... I am fun! And I am sticking to that!
More proof to support my proclamation of awesomeness? I am an AMAZING wife. Just ask my husband. (He better say yes, or I will kick his butt) Again, not prefect wife, but pretty dang good! I am absolutely happy with my place in our family. I think after my husband has a long week at work he deserves to spend an afternoon playing baseball. I think when a friend calls he SHOULD go have a beer and hang out. Strip club... whatever, I don't care. (luckily Rick thinks strip clubs are as silly as I do) I am proud to have dinner made for him at 6pm when he gets home from work. If he wants to watch future weapons instead of designed to sell, I am ok with that.
I also think I make a great friend. I don't get to do as much for my friends as I would like., But I LOVE my friends. And I think about them alot. I will always listen if they need someone. If I know a friend has a need, and I have the ability, at all, to meet that need I will. Ummm, ok, so again, I can't think of a specific incident in the last month that has made me a good friend. But I am sure I have done something nice before... right??
I just need to get over this need to be perfect. When I think of the people I love I don't put the expectation on them to be perfect, so why do I do it to myself? That is silly! I am happy with me!
So there it is. I am Wonderful. Ask God, He thinks so too!

I need to organize!

Is it spring yet??? I have the spring cleaning bug. Not so much a bug, more like a virus that eats at me until I am incapacitated. I am in such a mood to purge, and totally get rid of stuff. Here is my dilemma, and why I haven't done it yet... alot of the stuff that needs to go is either Rick's, or stuff that Rick's parents have given me. SO I can't ask Rick to throw away one more thing of his! He jokes about how when we moved in I got rid of all HIS stuff. Well, come on, he was a bachelor with very questionable taste. (Am I sleeping in a room with black lacquer night stands and a water bed?.... No) SO yes, we threw out most of his furnishings. But now we just have STUFF. Stuff everywhere! Here are a few of my pet peeves. And these things HURT me! Every time I see them it hurts! First is the top of our refrigerator in the laundry room. Uggggg. Now, what is up here is what I took down back in December from the mantel to decorate for Christmas. And I dislike it all so much that I have not put any of it back up. And I would gladly toss it all. The thing is, is that most of it is sentimental stuff. The topper from our wedding cake, a clock his parents gave us (that doesn't work) a candle thing that his brother gave me (sweet, but we never lit it and I have had it for 2 years) and a few other decorations that I am just over. And if I don't want to display it then what??? up to the attic??? Never to be seen again until we move and wonder why we kept it that long? I don't know...

next comes the top of our closet (shudder) So much junk! And you see, well, taken care of!!?? There are shoes and cowboy hats, and paper shredders, and clothes, and fax machines... Do we use these things? Not usually, but that one random time we need them, we sure are glad we have it....Then is the worst of all for me. Mostly because the other things are hidden... I can close off the laundry room. And I can shut the closet door. But this looks me in the face every time I go into the bedroom! It is Rick's dresser. We bought this new bedroom set last year. And We love it. But you can't even see it under all the junk. Somehow piles and piles of clothes end up on there every day. and under the clothes is even worse. Little random things, bow tie, watch, notes from the kids, change, chapstick, cds. Blech. And then the lovely hats going up the side of the mirror. He loves his hats. And although he only wears about 5 of them, I won't ask him to get rid of them. I have however suggested we don't "display them" He did not agree with me. LOL.
So these are the things in my house that are driving me nutso right now. But I have a plan... Tomorrow I am doing the laundry room, Thursday the closet and this weekend begging Rick to do the dresser. Maybe I won't toss it all (although I would love to) But I can definitely find a better solution that what we currently have going on.

P.S. Please don't judge me by these pictures. I try really hard to keep the rest of my house in order. It is just these sneaky little hidden places that get sooooooo out of control. Thanks!

not good

I am in kind of an ugly place right now. I would not call it "depression." But it is not a good place. You may have noticed, I have not been blogging much about my weight. Mainly because I am embarrassed. I have sunk slowly into the "if no one saw it, it didn't happen" thinking. For instance, I just shoved 2 chocolate chip cookies down my throat while my husband was brushing the kids teeth. Hiding, in the kitchen. And with my husband having lots of baseball lessons at night, I have been eating late. But if he doesn't see, then I can still whine and gripe that I am "working really hard", and still fat. Then of course, I sink further because, not only am I sneaking around eating, but I am also LYING. YUCK! I know it is the devil trying to get me down and not believe in myself, and I hate that I let him have any power over me. But I can just feel it. Way down deep. Makes me not want to go to the gym tomorrow. Makes me want to give up. Makes me want to eat BOTH my enchiladas at Mi Cocina, instead of saving one for lunch tomorrow, because, "What's the point?" Then it all snowballs into other parts of my life. I am SO uncomfortable right now. That is the best way to describe it... Not physically; emotionally and mentally. I am uncomfortable sitting in my house because it is just a mess. I am snapping at my kids, because I am irritable and "uncomfortable" I just want to shake everything off. It's like there is a force of negativity following me and pushing itself up against my body. It is so hard to explain. Just yuckiness, in my head, in my stomach, in my heart, all around me. And most of it has to do with the shame of sneaky eating. How dumb is that??? And my poor husband doesn't know what to do. He just sees that I am grouchy. I hope he doesn't think it is him! I think it has all come about, because I got a little upset that even when I am doing things good, I am still not losing. I need to just enjoy the exercising, and that it makes me FEEL better. I have got to get out of this funk!! UGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!